Assalamu alaikum my brothers and sisters.
Let’s start our journey together…
Year 2011 (11 years old)I’m in a Christian environment, life seems normal. I wake up each day on a routine and everyday I repeat that routine without experiencing any changes in myself, internally.
So i think to myself:”That’s how life is supposed to be I guess, it can’t possibly be different, my mother, grandmother, great grandmother etc. also live on this routine and by far they are the wisest people I ever knew and they don’t seem to care at the neutral nature of this routine…”. Wake up, bath,clean/cook, go to where you want to/sleep, come back and eat some more and then off u go… to sleep, the following day is the same story. Except this one day: Sunday, this day u repeat the same routine with a slight alteration -you replace the “Go wherever you want to” with “Church”…
Yes Church… the place where i have to sing loud and fake tears in order to hide the feelings that are nonexistent in my heart… and because of the fact that no one cares about anyone’s internal state as long as they look right they were fine, things just were easier. The trick is for me to sing louder and cry harder then they wouldn’t know how unsatisfied and confused I am about this religion of mine and I’ll continue being a good daughter and the role model teenager in my community.
Year 2012- I am so desperate to feed my soul. I’m trying. I’m tired of pretending to be feeling something when nothing is happening, “there has to be a solution”, I tell myself. “It’s me, I’m just not good enough, God doesn’t want to connect with me” I’m repeatedly accusing myself. “Maybe it’s because I’m a hypocrite, I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I’m also trying not to but i just cannot get that spiritual connection” my feelings and thought are colliding.
“I guess i need to do something, anything that will help me gain this connection with God and something that will clear all doubts and confusion i have about Christianity” i think to myself. So i decide to accept Jesus as the lord of my life. “Yes, that will solve things” I wrongly forecast.
I tell you things are just worse now… NO spiritual connection and more singing louder and more fake crying because I’m now a born again Christian I need to act the part. At this state I’m just not sure anymore that there is something as a spiritual connection to God. Being persistent as I am i tell myself “I need to try harder there has to be a solution”.
So at this thought i decide to join the evening prayers. 6 to 10 I’m in a room surrounded by Elderly people who are praying so loud it seems as if they are forcing this connection with God. “That has to be the solution, shout, scream and cry to the point where it seems like u laughing, then the connection you want to feel with God will have no other choice but to submit itself and you will feel God’s presence” i think to myself.
So being desperate i try it out… to my surprise i feel rather… crazy. “This is not for me” i think to myself. However the ironic part of my story is that , people, young and old look up to me… I’m the ideal Christian in their eyes but internally bankruptcy is happening. “Is this how my life is going to be? ” i ask myself and reply myself in the positive after many internal battles with myself. So i decide the only solution now is More pretending.
Year 2013 – I am so good with this pretending thing now, that they even appointed me as the Sunday School Preacher and the MC of the Day… i am in the committee of our church’s teenagers and more. Things are looking nothing but good- EXTERNALLY. I am Head Girl at my Primary School, things couldn’t be better I’m thinking to myself- while struggling internally- with this part of me that craves spiritual connection.
Year 2014- I’m in Higschool and already I’m appearing on Newspapers because of my achievements. I’m playing hockey, doing culture, everything- you just name it.
This craving… just keeps on getting worse. So I’m starting to cross the Christian barrier line- i start asking questions- questioning my religion, the religion of my parents , great great elders and the religion of everyone i knew… how could I? I don’t know but this feeling was so strong it overpowered me.
“Why did God have to send a man, to earth to die for our sins and later appoint him as god? I mean this Man we talking about used to also answer to the call of nature and if he really is god now then why did he let himself be lowered to the stage of his creations? I mean i wouldn’t build my dog a house and go stay with it, abandoning my own comfortable abode? And to top it off… get myself sacrificed because my dog stole another dog’s bone ( laughs) no like honestly no one would” let alone god(serious).
So the feeling grew.. (To be continued…)
#revert #muslimah #convert #muslim #Allahuakbar #postaweek #longreads